Wednesday, May 17, 2006

May 17th in the news.

US and the World

Richard Hatch from Survivor gets sentenced to 51 months in prison. Let me get this straight.... naked gay guy has to spend 51 months locked up with a bunch of other men. Wow, throw the book at him.

Paul McCartney and his wife Eileen (or whatever her name is)have decided to call it quits. McCartney apparently was shocked, thinking that she had everything she wanted. "Doing the garden, digging the weeds," he said, "who could ask for more?" he said. Mrs. McCartney apparently became distraught upon learning that her husband had been dead since before she was born and had been replaced by a guy named William Campbell.

The Federal Government is working on building a fence across the entire southern border of the country. Plans were going well until the Senate discovered the neighborhood association doesn't allow chain link fences.

Local News

Police have released the names of people who sold their Derby Tickets to criminal mastermind Bruce Gumer. Among the people listed is track superintendent Raymond Lehr, who surely sold them at face value to Mr. Gumer and told him not to sell them for a penny higher. In the meantime, the city suffered its 17th homicide. No joke here, the facts are enough of one.

John Yarmuth won the primary election for the Democratic nomination in the 3rd district. Ann Northup wasted no time in issuing this statement: "If John Yarmuth is elected this fall, we can all look forward to gay immigrant Al Queda terrorists who believe in evolution saying the pledge of allegiance in Spanish in public housing paid for by higher taxes on all of us."

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